the bell of "no"

on sunday, while spending the afternoon with some friends, i was asked by a newly introduced woman "so denise, are you married?"

my answer was a resounding "no", spoken with not a moment passing after the question was delivered. the "no", however, was not at all spoken in an irritated tone - it was spoken, almost like a bell being hit hard and deliberately with a hammer, with loud, crisp, and sharp clarity. i think this tone shocked the inquirer, because the silence that followed in the next 10 seconds seemed just as loud.

for some reason, i can't get the manner in which i said "no" out of my head. why was i so quick with my answer, lacking both hesitation and embarrassment at my non-married and, better yet, single (gasp!) state?

maybe i'm proud to say no. maybe it came out that way because i had just seen a guy i'd dated the night before at a party, happily introducing his wife to people, literally thinking "thank god that's not me." maybe it was a "neener neener neeeeeeeener, you're married and i'm not, so i can fuck whoever the hell i want and you can't!" maybe my tone was a candy coated "fuck you" and your marriedness (don't assume everyone around you is in married bliss, because really, that's just YOUR little bubble that does not encompass the entire world, and i don't need it, so let me ring my little bell of "no" to remind you of that). i'm not sure.

but really. anyone who knows me well is aware that i am not a bitter, wallowing single woman, despite the paragraph that you just read, so further explanation and justification to my above statements is not necessary. please don't misunderstand.

since we're talking about misunderstandings, here's one i will clear up; it's not that i never want to get married, because really, i'd love to be married someday. but i am also totally and completely content knowing that i am totally and completely OK on my own, without hesitation.

ding!